Im having one of those moments , If anyone actually reads these journals they'd know that every so often I kind of freak out.I usually uses this medium as a way to vent.Not that I'm some sort of fruit cake its just that I tend to be kind of emotional.

Like a rabbit,I am not a rabbit mind you, I am a person. Though for the sake of argument lets say Im turning into a rabbit. Now for a bit about myself. My name is Lex, it used to be Alex this information is important because only my close friends still call me Alex.Alex is what she used to call me, so when I lost her I got rid of Alex simple as that,again Im being cryptic about my ex-girlfriend I don't want to name her in a negative way because that'd be disrespectful. She did no wrong so its hard when I can't try the classic try and hate her approach to getting over an ex.

I created the Lex persona as a way to deal. So far its seemed to have worked if not for the feeling of being lost. Im lost and confused like Im falling down a hole spinning in different directions with everyone insisting I'm going the  right way. I don't know where Im going nor why Im here. I go to the Art Institute.Im studying animation, I don't really know why. Alex had a dream, a goal there was something he fought hard to get. Its tough when you think of things in absolutes, Alex tried the best he possibly could, in the end he never got into effects school and the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life didn't love him anymore.If you try as hard as you can and still fail doesn't that make you a failure?

I don't want to fail, but I find I really don't care anymore. Im tempted to go out and find some dumb bunny and just eat sleep and do like the rabbits.I am not a rabbit so this bothers me.

Lex so far doesn't have any dreams he's just being led around by a carrot hanging from a pole strapped to his forehead. The goal is meaningless because I don't like carrots.There's very little incentive for me to get anything done because I didn't really want to study animation in the first place.I'm going to an expensive collage without any passion for what Im doing. I've been going for so long it'd be a waste to leave without a diploma but I feel like what Im doing should be fun. That my inability to enjoy myself is because something is wrong with me. I feel lost like I don't know who I am.Im doing great I have anything I could want or ask for so why do I feel so empty.

I feel sad with no real reason to be, I feel like Im turning into a rabbit.The rabbit is an inside joke and the reasons I keep bringing it up is because i have to.

I carry most of my important stuff in a jack-o-lantern as a purse. Like my joker hats I wear I found meaning in something silly I carried around for a goof. The jack-o-lantern means a lot to me now. I researched what it truly means and it struck a chord with me. The jack-o-lantern isnt meant to scare spirits. Its a beacon for the lost, can't get into heaven trapped out of hell, the jack-o-lantern is a guiding light to those lost souls with nowhere to go. That is the symbol for Lex, someone lost in need of guidance.

A while ago, the worst time I flipped out I couldn't figure out why I was so upset.I just clung to this insane notion that I was turning into a rabbit it was something to channel my hysteria at.Like now I was confused with no one or nothing to blame. My girl sent my friends to come and get me and for the first time in my life I realized that if I were ever truly lost someone would come find me.Im not sure I have that anymore but I know what they said is still true.

I am not a rabbit.